Mark Your Calendars and Place Your Bets: 'Time Traveler' Shares Dates of Future Events

Brace yourselves folks: the things you are about to learn may be too much for your fragile human minds to deal with in the present day. A time traveler who goes by the name Noah has bravely elected to share his knowledge of the future with all of mankind via a video posted to the ApexTV conspiracy theory YouTube channel. Armed with hard evidence stolen from a library and smuggled through time, the faceless John Connor shares details about our encounters with aliens, the status of the government, and the artificial intelligence that will soon control the world.

Noah claims to be from the year 2030, which would explain his naturally pixelated face, future Gap jeans, and innovative multi-angle video editing style. He acknowledges in the video that he should not be telling the secrets of the future, but does so anyway because he is the hero we need right now. “You might be wondering, why are you listening to me,” Noah so astutely asks before explaining that in previous videos he has accurately predicted celebrity deaths, world issues, world events, and that Yolanda Renee King (MLK, Jr.’s granddaughter) will be the future President of the United States. Noah’s three main warnings this time are about aliens, global warming, and war. “In the future, aliens come in the year 2028,” he says. “Also, time travel is revealed to the public by the government. Believe it or not, this (sic) is the facts. I did not change them in any way.”

Marty McRib says that humans will become “peaceful” with aliens, but he could not offer details about what the space visitors look like. “Aliens are something that I can not describe with my words. It’s more of a thing you have to see yourself…My best way of saying it is they have really bold skin, they are kind of slender-like, and they are humanoid but not at the same time.” He adds that 90 percent of the government will be run by artificial intelligence. Showing off his crumpled future library pages, Ark-less Noah proves without a shadow of a doubt that in August 2028 the public will know about aliens, Yolanda King will be elected at age 20 that November, and by February of the following year we will have access to implants that enhance natural brain functions and improve health. Noah knows who the next President will be before King, but he is graciously keeping that information to himself to avoid a paradox.

It’s hard to argue with a man who continues to risk his life to help all of mankind. He is a hero and should be given some kind of medal for his service…unless that too would create a paradox.

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