Church Suggests Priests Get Drunk on the Job


The Church of England is excited about welcoming as many as three brave old ladies back into its buildings when it reopens this month, but there are going to be new rules to the worshipping process that may have regulars threatening to torch the place in righteous fury, like when Jesus kicked over that table and everyone said that it was bad but also understandable.

The sacred act of the communion has been changed, because everyone drinking wine out of the same cup and eating bread out of a man’s hand then sucking the crumbs off his fingers and looking up at him suggestively is out of the question now. The CofE has issued proper guidance on the new post-pandemic Jesus-eating protocols [PDF], that state: “Communion should be administered in one kind only with no sharing of the common cup. The president alone should always take the wine, consuming all that has been consecrated; other communicants should receive the bread only, in the hand.”

Which would appear to suggest the man or perhaps even woman in black gets to drink all the wine. And everyone has to sanitise their hands before receiving the bit of bread (and no putting it in the mouth, Margaret!), plus the two-metre rule is in the bin for the priests, as how else can they hand over the metaphorical slice of the cured body of the Lord? It all sounds like a bit of a nightmare, but may amuse the elderly guests, as they shuffle about, all confused about what to do and what to touch, rolling their eyes and tutting as if mildly possessed. [CofE [PDF] via Metro]


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