The relationship hex-perts were cackling from their ivory observation tower as Married At First Sight’s honeymoons turned into a true love bloodbath on Thursday night.
‘Mel, get the popcorn!’ John Aiken surely yelled, as Australia’s first fake lesbian marriage hurtled towards divorce.
‘Popcorn has too much sodium in it, John!’ health-conscious Mel Schilling surely replied, choosing to celebrate the sadness with a handful of activated almonds instead.
Six couples were in a race to the bottom last night, sabotaging their bright futures as skinny-tea-peddling influencers by failing to keep up appearances.
Tash and Amanda
Abandon hope all ye who enter a crappy family resort on Daydream Island, where Australia’s first (fake) lesbian honeymoon lasted about as long as Scott Morrison’s trip to Cobargo.
‘It’s only a matter of time before she becomes an Amandasexual,’ Amanda confidently told producers at the start of the trip.
Turns out Amandasexuals sleep in separate rooms and have zero chemistry. Does that mean my parents were Amandasexuals too?
Tash lost the spark right around the time Amanda started hopping around and racially profiling a poor group of marsupials on the lawn.
She was calling them all ‘Skippy’ and they were HATING it. I haven’t seen a Wallaby this frazzled since Israel Folau’s mediation hearing.
And as Amanda hopped away, so did Tash’s last glimmer of romantic interest. It’s sad really.
‘They’ve got activities here, wanna play volleyball or football or something?’ Amanda asked at one point, clearly not getting the message.
‘No thanks. I hate sport’ Tash replied.
Over at True Love HQ, the relationship experts high-fived in unison.
‘I knew she hated sport!’ pheromone fiend Dr Trisha Stratford cackled. ‘I could smell it from a mile away’.
In 2020, if you can’t see a truck driver’s mirrors, it may actually just be because they’ve fallen off and they can’t afford new ones.
David spent the whole trip to Singapore in a strop after his ex-drug addict wife, Hayley, found a new vice: mocking his $25-an-hour wage.
‘If someone handed me a ticket to the airport, I would run. I would run until my feet bled. I would sprint,’ he said after a beach date turned sour.
David was so specific about the speed and velocity at which he would run to the airport that he sounded like a security risk.
‘You couldn’t pay me to stay with her,’ he added.
Not even $50-an-hour, Dave?
Natasha was spewing when she found out she was off to the Perisher snowfields for her honeymoon.
‘I won’t be wearing my bikini then, which sucks!’ she complained.
Sorry Natasha, but is there something wrong with your Instagram algorithm? Do you not read Daily Mail Australia’s impeccably curated sidebar?
Minaj, Richie, Woods, Jenner, Kardashian – they’re all having Baywatch moments at the snow, darl. Being close-to-death cold is so hot right now.
Needless to say, the honeymoon got off to a rough start.
But much to the hex-perts’ chagrin, the producers somehow convinced the pair to act like they were having a great time during interviews the next morning.
I was hitting the emotional snooze button on these two until logistics investigator Cathy whipped out her ‘secret weapon’ G-string bikini, at which point Josh started investigating the logistics of getting her into bed.
When Josh is in love, he lets loose his impulsive side, resulting in some incredible bogan one-liners.
‘She’s a fridge and I’m a magnet,’ he said at one point. It was meant as a compliment but sounded more like the plot synopsis of a Pixar movie.
He was probably thinking to himself: ‘That quote would look good in cursive next to me tribal neck tatt’.
Ah, yes, the tribal tatt honouring the rich, complex history of the Cessnock people.
Vanessa and Chris
The next two couples were hardly featured all episode.
On one trip, we had Vanessa nearly bursting into tears when Chris admitted he was mildly attracted to her. Little victories.
Poppy and Luke’s honeymoon must have been rubbish. The producers eventually resorted to prop comedy, handing Poppy a bucket of golf balls.
‘I’ve got your balls!’ she quipped, as Luke laughed like his Lowe’s sponsorship deal depended on it.